In my One Year of Pole Dance post, I mentioned that pole dancing was a kind of bucket list item for me when I started. Whenever I say this to my older friends, I am met with squinty eyes and assured voices that say, “You’re too young to have a bucket list.” And that’s true. Last night, mid-photo shoot, I figured out what I actually mean and what to call this brand of risk-taking.
I have a Fuck It List. Fuck is the only word in the English language that means both to ‘make love to’ and ‘to do great damage to’ (thank you Derrick Jensen for this beautiful definition). Items on the Fuck It List are both attractive and repulsive. There is something terrifying about them, but they draw you to them with a mixture of curiosity and beauty. For me, they are things that make me think, “That’s crazy….I want that.”
Pole dance was an item on my Fuck It List. Nude modeling was yet another and I threw myself into that yesterday. Just like pole, I was Good Nervous beforehand. (I make distinctions between Good and Bad Nerves, due to the fact that regular nervousness and anxious nervousness feel very different in my body and mind. Good Nervous is not a cause for alarm). I was also incredibly excited and, as it was with pole, I fell into the activity naturally. All of it was surprisingly easy. Don’t get me wrong, modeling is exhausting work, but it is too much fun to be difficult.
So, on the stairs of a parking garage near Seattle Center, posing naked with the Space Needle in the background, as the camera clicked and my arms and shoulders twisted, I realized that I had checked off yet another item on the Fuck It List. I didn’t know that I needed to do fine are nude modeling (especially in front of the fucking space needle) but I definitely did and thank fucking God I am doing it.
The thing about Fuck It List items is that they are scary. But then you get into them and they aren’t so scary. They rock. They feed your soul (and if they’re the right kind of thing, feed your wallet too). Fuck It Lists are not about hopes and dreams, they are about doing the thing that you love and are scared shitless of. The thing that you don’t quite know if you can do or not. And the only way to find out is to go for it.
I am in the process of fully articulating my Fuck It List. It’s not long. One has to be strategic about their risk taking. That being said, I fully encourage everyone to make a Fuck It List. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
We get this life once. Be bad ass. Fuck it.